Stories From Women Who Walk

The Gift in Her Grief: Jane Duncan Rogers Founded "Before I Go Solutions" to Help the Rest of Us Grieve Less. Part 2.

Episode Summary

3 years following the death of her husband Phillip, Jane Duncan Rogers published Gifted By Grief which led to her founding Before I Go Solutions. Join us to learn about the absolutely vital end-of-life planning work that she and her team are spreading around the world! Part 2.

Episode Notes

Coming to you from Whidbey Island, Washington this is Stories From Women Who Walk. You’ll recognize yourself in these true-life stories of adversity, challenge, fear, discovery, adventure, expression, and more from women who are walking their lives while their lives walk them and the lasting difference their journeys have made. I’m your host, Diane Wyzga.

Welcome back to Part 2 of the podcast interview with my guest, Jane Duncan Rogers, founder and Chief Officer of Before I Go Solutions and Before I Go Academy who joined us from North Scotland. I’ve invited Jane to talk with us about the absolutely vital end-of-life planning work that she and her team are spreading around the world. We were talking about creating Before I Go Solutions as a non-profit when I asked Jane about the challenges and frustrations she faced. Let’s hear what she has to say about this and so much more on the topic of end-of-life planning, how it benefits you and your loved ones, and what you can do about it.

Minutes: 37:38

00 to 2:03 Intro

2:03 to 4:20 Challenges and Frustrations

I’m curious. You said you knew you were on the right path because of the Yes!, the resounding “Yes!” as you were checking in - but what might have been some of the frustrations and challenges as you were putting all this together?

Challenge #1: Putting it together on a shoestring
Spent all savings on book publication, Gifted By Grief
Yes, felt right in some way
Financials are still a challenge; however Jane has never let lack of money stop her doing anything
Will always find a way
Challenge #2: After 30 years of working as an independent professional now had a team of directors to confer and decide with
Had been used to barging ahead with her own ideas, with whatever felt right
Challenge #3: taking on coaches, assistants and the like as Before I Go Solutions expands and develops
Challenge #4: anxiety; growth spurt; doesn’t feel comfortable but that’s what growing anything is like

4:20 to 8:00 Why Should We Even Care About End-of-Life Planning?

Many folks say I don’t care - I’ll be dead - do whatever you like!
The thing is, end-of-life plans are for those who come after
Is an incredibly selfless act
This End-of-Life planning is not for everybody; but is still useful to go through the process
The caring is about you caring about those you love and how they will manage after you die
If you can make their way easier (which you can) that’s why
It is not easy; that’s why we do it collectively and have facilitators to help
Believe it or not: It’s a creative process; can be fun and enjoyable
More folks are aware and more open to end-of-life planning because of COVID

Over the past year or so of COVID has there been an increased awareness of end-of-life, of mortality? Do you find that because of COVID that there is not only an increased awareness of life and end-of-life but people are more likely to raise the subject of end-of-life and mortality?

In Jane’s world death is a common topic; people might be having more conversations.
As to the world in general maybe more conversations; but unless the conversation is recorded (even a simple as a list) nothing happens and people remember differently
Unless you translate a conversation into documentation about choices and desires there could be arguments and issues that cause problems among loved ones
This is not just about the funeral but maybe several years down the line: there could be disagreements about this, that or the other: finances, companies, care of children and the like
Jane works with those who recognize that End-of-Life planning is a good idea but still haven’t gotten around to it
Jane’s attention is with the willing albeit challenged

8:00 to 11:35 How Do You Draw In and Work With the Willing?

Like filings to a magnet; attract the willing who wish to invest
Jane’s book: Before I Go - has simple instructions
Workbook to complete is a bigger version of original list of questions
Jane discovered that folks do not do the work without help so she created courses
From that a facilitator training course was designed and developed to have facilitators to help
People ask: Why is there a charge for all of this stuff? Especially when it’s there for free although not all in 1 place
People need encouragement and 1 way to do that is put money where mouth is
Jane is driven to get End-of-Life Plans to be as common as birth plans
Just do it!
When you do it with others is creative, fun and connecting
Host: quilting bee for End-of-Life!
In the day when we could meet together there was that flavor to it

11:35 to 14:40 How Do You Begin the Conversation in the Family, With Loved Ones?

There is a return to face-to-face so we will have the opportunity for a collective; but before we get to that place, how do you start a conversation in the family?

Conversation starters require a context
Do not plan to show up at dinner and ask about burial or cremation
In context it becomes natural to ask a question and discuss the topic
When Prince Phillip died he had an End-of-Life Plan for years: he wanted a custom-made Land Rover to carry his coffin which makes for an ideal conversation starter: I was thinking about Prince Philip and his Land Rover and made me realize I’d like a side-car...what would you like? Ever thought about it?
Another would be: if a celebrity dies, or if you went to funeral, or if attend ed online funeral, or learned about photo legacy, or even listening to amazing podcast between Diane and Jane Duncan Rogers who is completely mad...
Have courage because you don’t know loved ones’ responses in advance
Not easy to ask about personals about sex, money and death; but unless we ask the answer is never given

14:40 to 19:45 Before I Go Solutions Website & Free 10 Question Quiz

The 10 questions are drawn from the original document
People don’t know what they don’t know; that’s one of the main problems
We don’t think about the affect on others
What to destroy: we don’t consider secrets, journals, evidence, etc. that might hurt or be unpleasant to loved ones; decide what to do with those items in advance
The things you really don’t know: who is authorized to speak on behalf of the ill person? It’s not what you think
Know the laws that govern where you live to understand who can speak for you or a loved one
Getting some done is better than nothing
Power of Attorney is key
Healthcare Power of Attorney
Advance Healthcare Directive
What we have control over while we are living and not leave big decisions to family
Extremis is wrenching 24 minute documentary film on Netflix: what happens with families in hospital when Advance Healthcare Directive is not in place
You might very well get treated in the medical system unless you say you don’t in writing or otherwise verbalized it to maximize what you want
We put our heads in the sand about death hoping we will conk out in front of the telly; the truth is most folks end up with a long slow decline getting more and more unhealthy

19:45 to 24:50 Digital Footprint

We take such care with compassionate End-of-Life decisions with our pets/ animal companions. We do not consider ourselves, our loved ones - nor do we think about the digital footprint. Question: what will happen to it, what can happen to it, what can people do to remove the footprint or let it be?

You have to make conscious decision to keep or delete
Jane got a friend to deal with Phillip’s Facebook page; but doesn’t know more than that
Do you want to continue as alive on social media after you’re dead, or not?
For the young people it could be used as a memorial site that also meant something to friends
What do you want, how do want us to carry on, and where is it put down so we know what to do? Then get on with living your life.
Host recalls a book about End-of-Life plan (Handbook for Mortals) where it was set out to how to take the opportunity to tie up loose ends; what happens if you do all that and you don’t die, was it all in vain? No; you’ve done all the work, no worry that something is lacking. Go and live your life until you don’t
Educating yourself about the myriad of details is helpful for those coming after and helps you prioritize what’s important

24:50 to 28:08 Highlights About Topics

What are other topics to address, chapter headings of what’s to be learned.

Secrets, Journals, Letters, Diaries. What you want to keep private
Advanced Directive is critical so the designated person can act on your behalf in the way in which you want to be treated End-of-life planning work is a project; can be done in 3 months or upwards of a year or two longer depending on circumstances
The benefit? Relief!
What’s available? Online course (self-study) plus live opportunities with facilitators trained to hold folks accountable

28:08 to 31:00 Joy in End-of-Life Planning and Topic of Death

There is an over-riding sense of joy in this conversation with Jane which is a combination of true energy, purpose, passion and bringing End of Life Ellie the Elephant to the light. This isn’t grim or depressing. This is engaging.

Jane loves the word “joy!” in this work, especially because of her experience - even though it didn’t start off like that
There can be joy and fun in death and preparing for it, as her clients say to describe the work they do on the courses
Before I Go Solutions bring a lightness to the topic - they switch a light on in what’s perceived as a dark room

31:00 to 37:38 Legacy

As we sit here today what would you like to see happen in the world as a result of your work?

Completely fueled by the idea that End-of-Life plans will be so normal - like birth plans
Having a plan is better than not
Jane’s Big Mission: commonplace in the world
Now, what about seeing End-of-Life plans as part of the corporate Employee Benefits package, the Human Resources Department, all part of culture change
Jane has always been a pioneer in her past; she sees the horizon wide open

As we begin to close, what might have been left unsaid?

The gift in the grief: from horrible to enormous number of spiritual insights she wrote about in her book, which completely changed her, and that it took Phillip’s death to do that
What folks are interested in: practical side of things
Jane followed her heart to respond to that interest
If Life is calling you, your job is to follow it no matter how mad it might seem
Took 10 people saying the same thing before she paid attention
A resounding “Yes!”

Before I say thank you to Jane I want to mention that all social media links, and TEDx talk, and connections to Jane Duncan Rogers and her work, Before I Go Solutions will be posted in the Episode Notes. Please do make sure you drop by her website, take that free 10 question quiz, and consider consulting with her, and perhaps joining one of the training groups.

Thank you very much, Jane, for walking along with us and sharing your life journey story which, I trust, will be of very good use and inspiration to those who are curious about and those who are ready to apply some solutions to these end-of-life questions. I can’t thank you enough for sharing your story with us.

Thank you so much for the opportunity. I just want to spread the word as much as I can!

This is a terrific start! I’ve got all my work done; I’m one!

Great, great wonderful!

Here we are, at the end of the road but not the journey. Thank you for listening to Part 2 of this episode of Stories From Women Who Walk with your host Diane Wyzga and my guest Jane Duncan Rogers, the founder and Chief Officer of Before I Go Solutions and Before I Go Academy who joined us from North Scotland. We hope you found joy, inspiration, and practical tips in our conversation about end-of-life planning.

You’re also invited to check out over 375 episodes of this podcast Stories From Women Who Walk found on Simplecast, your favorite podcast platform, including Android, and my website: Quarter Moon Story Arts. This is the place to thrive together. Come for the stories - stay for the magic. Speaking of magic, I hope you’ll subscribe, follow, share a nice shout out on your social media or podcast channel of choice, and join us next time! You will have wonderful company as we walk our lives together.

ABOUT JANE DUNCAN ROGERS

Who am I?

Jane Duncan Rogers, founder of Before I Go Solutions and the B.I.G. Academy.

When my husband Philip died, I never for one moment imagined I would end up working in this field.

I had been an award-winning counselor and coach for over 25 years, having originally trained personally with the famous Louise L. Hay in 1990, working in the personal growth field in many different aspects. I'd published books and tapes (well before the internet) and was helping small business owners to reach their full potential when Philip died.

Because of the questions he had answered in his last year, I was well prepared in some respects for the admin side of things afterwards. But there was much more we simply did not know about.

Fast forward to 2018, a year during which both my parents died. They had completed a comprehensive end-of-life plan each, the one that Before I Go Solutions offers, now known as the Before I Go Method®.

This was very different to my husband who had answered some things, but there was a lot more that I simply had to decide about myself.

And that difference was huge – as my parents' executor, I simply had to follow all their thoughtful instructions.

What’s more, it was easy to find everything, and I took great solace from knowing I was carrying out what they wanted (and that they had known I would do this).

My three siblings and I had no arguments at all, over what was a pretty stressful period (they both died unexpectedly within the same week).

I am so incredibly grateful and appreciative for the organisation they had so carefully thought through.

So I know from personal experience how hugely important this preparation work is, and I want to help you to help others do this too!

Jane’s background of 25 years in the psychotherapeutic and training fields has been perfect for the not-for-profit - Before I Go Solutions - she founded and helps to operate. Together with her team of trained End of Life Facilitators, she provides products and programmes to help people complete their end-of-life plans, something about which many have good intentions but never quite actually get around to doing.

Jane lives in the North of Scotland, re-married during COVID lock-down, and she and her new husband are building not only a new life but a new eco-house/home together.

How to Stay in Touch With Jane Duncan Rogers

Jane Duncan Rogers, Chief Officer Before I Go Solutions, CIC: www.beforeigosolutions.com

- Author of: Before I Go: The Essential Guide to Creating A Good End of Life Plan and Gifted By Grief

- Speaker on Tedx: How to Do A Good Death: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=An0k3s8pTXc

- Speaker on Conscious Grief series with Tara Nash: https://www.conscious-grief.com/jane-duncanrogers/

- Training in End of Life Plan Facilitation: https://beforeigosolutions.com/big-training-intensive/

- End-of-Life Planning Cards: https://beforeigosolutions.com/product/end-of-life-planning-cards/

- Facebook: End-of-Life Conversations Group: https://www.facebook.com/beforeigosolutions/

- Twitter: https://twitter.com/giftedbygrief

- Linked In: https://www.linkedin.com/in/janeduncanrogers-5aa3b591

Production Team: Quarter Moon Story Arts

Music: Entering Erdenheim from Crossing the Waters by Steve Schuch & Night Heron Music

Sound Editing: Dawin Carlisle & First Class Reels